We’ve been talking on this blog about figuring out what to do when your relationship reaches The Brink. When your marriage gets to this point of crisis, and you have to make decisions you’ll live with for the rest of your life, what are you going to focus on?
You can fix your attention on the problems that brought you to this point, but if you want to save your relationship, this strategy will probably backfire. You and your partner might be able to get over those issues-make some changes, forgive and forget a little-but then you’re likely to spend as much time nursing wounds as mending fences. Trying to fix problems might seem logical but it’s one of the most common mistakes people make at The Brink. If you need some marriage help, you need an effective “save marriage” strategy, one that’s not problem fixated because what brought you together was not your love of problems.
Instead you could start remembering why you both came together in the first place. You can find out whether you’re still ready and willing to bring back the lovers and friends you were. You can decide to go back for more of the best you used to have.
Don’t worry about whether you’re able to do this-you haven’t lost who you were. Maybe you’ve been eclipsed by the distractions and accumulations of daily life. And yes, there’s more to you now, experiences and other changes, but you never stopped being you.
Do you want to rediscover what you may have been overlooking in your relationship for a while? The qualities that were once precious to you, the things that used to hold the two of you together?
You can look back and remember what life together felt like back then. This helps you remember what you want to reclaim. The special moments you laughed about, or smiled privately about. Nicknames you used to use, or favorite places you used to go. All the things that marked your relationship as unique in the world.
It’s helpful to reclaim all that. You remember, you recognize, and then you can reclaim everything that brought you both together. Once you do, next you have to look forward. Turn your best memories into your future.
When you’re a couple at The Brink, it’s time to make decisions that will last. It’s a good time to plan ways to revive what made you a great couple, a successful marriage. It’s good to put that past ahead of you.
Now look ahead to getting it back. If you consider that marriage counseling can help you get where you need to be to achieve this, look for couples counseling and family therapy professionals who understand you needs.
- Paul Maione, Ph.D., and Melissa Bridges, M.S., family therapists
August 9th, 2008 - 12:57 pm
The wonderfully necessary concept of going back to move forward is a hard one to grasp and hold on to while living in our hyper-active, momentum-seeking world. Even more difficult to connect to in a real way is the wisdom of living in the moment. I wonder where the present moment — the Now — configures in your approach to helping couples facing the Brink?
August 22nd, 2008 - 11:31 am
The now is incredibly powerful. If a couple could access the power of being in the present moment, they would not be concerned with where they are going or where they have been. They would be able to appreciate the moment for what it is. The challenges they are faced with, as well as they passion they have between them, can be met with acceptance. However, if acceptance is ever out of reach, reconnecting with the purity at the beginning of any relationship can be a wonderful way to rediscover your partner all over again.
October 28th, 2008 - 4:43 pm
Interesting to know.