Welcome to a new kind of discussion about divorce.
This blog is dedicated to helping people on the brink of divorce-helping them find the options they need to make the best long-range choices.
The thoughts we post here support the innovative mission of our therapists at Couples on the Brink. We provide intensive sessions for partners who need to take definite, lasting action in their relationships. Our clients want to discover whether they can prevent themselves from taking up the lasting burdens and disappointments of divorce.
As therapists who specialize in couple’s work, we find that most divorces are unnecessary. We want to reverse the divorce epidemic. Our sessions support the conviction that people want to reclaim their strength and values before it’s too late. This blog is another way of supporting this message. Our work provides marriage counseling that can save marriages as long as clients will accept marriage help.
All healthy couples reach The Brink at some point. It can be painful and stressful and it can sap your hope. But it doesn’t mean having to live in misery or getting divorced. Marriages that survive and thrive are able to meet the challenges of The Brink head on.
Arriving at The Brink is a necessary stage in every long-term relationship. It shows us what issues need work and what we’ve neglected. The difference between a couple that stays together at The Brink and a couple that breaks up is knowing what to do at the point of crisis-then doing it.
The couple that grows stronger at the Brink is a couple that doesn’t waste opportunities.
One key to success at The Brink is deciding that you shouldn’t wait to reclaim what’s central to your life. Reverse direction by making inspired, intelligent changes. Do it before you both create any more pain and damage.
Splitting up costs everyone dearly in many ways. Most marriages benefit from every effort to work things out and stay together. Couples counseling can save you time and pain, but even if you’re not ready for that, join us in the conversation here. Let’s talk about preserving what’s most precious. Let’s talk about making the most of what couples can have together.
I hope you’re asking, “Who do they think they are to tell me anything about my relationship?” Come to www.couplesonthebrink.com to find out more about us. And use this blog to talk back to us. Let’s look at this together. And let’s share the courage to make inspired decisions by taking advantage of the view from The Brink. We can look at ways to resolve severe relationship difficulties instead of dwelling on them. Then we can get on with enjoying the best of our lives.
- Paul Maione, Ph.D., and Melissa Bridges, M.S., family therapists
August 21st, 2008 - 5:49 pm
My wife is suggesting we divorce to end the present relationship and then date each other to begin again. We’ve been separated for 19 months and our children are highly critical of her for not divorcing me and then dating during the separation. At the same time, the kids feel the positive changes I’ve made are directed only at holding my wife’s heart and not aimed at the family. My wife’s second point for divorcing (and dating each other secretly) would be to enable me to rebuild the relationship with our kids without them attributing the effort as a means to “get back with mom”. Have you ever seen this effective or do you know of a way to “start anew” where we draw a line in the sand and don’t look back?
August 24th, 2008 - 9:42 am
I have recently had an emotional attachment to another person, nothing physical. My spouse now knows and is devistated. We are together for 14 years now and have 3 kids. My spouse wants to divorce… but doesnt. We dont want to hurt the kids. I suggested couseling, my spouse doesnt reply. Any suggestions on getting a ‘reply’ or hope?
August 25th, 2008 - 1:54 pm
Rich,
What you and your wife suggest makes sense. We sometimes speak with clients about how the present marriage needs to end so you can save your relationship. Starting anew can be appropriate to the couple while also meeting the obligations to the whole family. Children, however, can be skeptical. Your job at this point is not to try to convince anyone of the sincerity of your efforts, but to just to stay consistent. You are at a point in your relationship that, while challenging, is also a place for great positive change. It sounds like you and your wife want the same thing, which is great. The trick is starting anew—and this is absolutely possible. Have patience, keep doing the right things (for your wife, kids, and yourself) and trust the process. Couples who work through these challenges are undoubtedly happier for sticking things out.
Be well and good luck to you and your family.
Paul Maione, Ph.D., LMFT, and Melissa Bridges, M.S.
August 27th, 2008 - 12:23 pm
M. Conrad,
Emotional affairs are common and can be just as devastating as a physical affair for some people. But a tough situation has great possibilities. You certainly have a lot to fight for in trying to stay together. Your wife’s feelings are understandable. She is hurt, possibly devastated, and needs some space. Emotional affairs are common with clients we see at Couples on the Brink. A person in your shoes is usually looking for immediate forgiveness and wants to move forward and forget the past. This is usually a trap. Give her all the space she needs to ask questions, be hurt, and sort things out in her own time, hard as this may be. This can change. On the other hand, she may enjoy the increased attention and level of involvement she is getting from you now. She needs to know you’re willing to make changes for the long haul. As we have see time and time again, being at The Brink is a wonderful opportunity to make important and lasting changes in your relationship. Give her some space and accommodate her time frame.
Be well and good luck to you and your family.
Paul Maione, Ph.D., LMFT, and Melissa Bridges, M.S.