People can live in their comfort zones for many years, happy or not. To break free from the inertia of our comfort zones, sometimes we have to be open to unconventional experiences.

Often, when people come to their couples counseling intensives at Couples on the Brink, one partner will be particularly anxious about the process—especially the one who did not scheduled the appointment for marriage help.

Marty wanted to schedule a one-day Brink Intensive for himself and his wife Brenda.  When he approached her with the idea, she was opposed to the idea of scheduling an eight-hour therapy session—it terrified her.  To his surprise, he managed to get her on the phone with one of our therapists, who eased her mind about what we do. After much deliberation, she agreed to participate in a full-day intensive.

The morning of the appointment, the husband called to say that his wife had changed her mind. Although this seemed like a setback to him, we assured him that this was common for many of the couples we see. As we often do, we told him to ask his wife if there was anything that would ease her mind about coming in. He called us back with a unique request. His wife would agree to come to the appointment if we would allow her to bring their dog, Daisy. Although we have had pets in therapy before, this was the first time it was a save-marriage condition for attending a session. We told him we would be more than happy to meet with all three of them.

Later that morning, Marty, Brenda and Daisy arrived. Throughout the first half of the day, the couple was disconnected from one another. They talked about how unhappy they were, and how they had been trying desperately to find their way back to one another. Although this was an uncomfortable situation for both of them, Daisy sat between them on the couch as if we were having this very difficult conversation in the comfort of their living room. As the session grew more intense, Brenda and Marty both found reassurance in Daisy, who appeared to not only sooth them but also connect them with one another.

They began to have uncomfortable conversations they had never had before. As with many couples we see, the deeper they allowed themselves to explore what had gotten them to this place of confusion and despair, the more they opened to possibilities of what could bring them closer together.  They talked about how distant they felt from each other, and shared their perspectives on how and why they grew so far apart.

This couple stayed as close as they could to their comfort zone as long as they could, which proved to be the very thing that allowed them to break free from that comfort zone. And once they allowed themselves freedom from that futility, they were able to see each other from a different perspective and witness what they had to lose. They discussed ideas about what a separation might look like, and cried at the thought of losing not only each other, but Daisy as well. They spent a great deal of time talking about the shared visitation arrangements they would need for their beloved Daisy. At last they became comfortable with solutions that could keep them together.

Daisy, an apparent expert at marriage counseling, was happy with the outcome.

- Paul Maione, Ph.D., and Melissa Bridges, M.S., family therapists

www.couplesonthebrink.com

A team of therapists joined us behind our one-way mirror while we worked with a couple who had been struggling for some time in a stagnant and unhappy marriage. This observation took place during the last two hours on the second day of a 3-Day Intensive of couples counseling.

Like most relationships we see, this couple was extremely unhappy about what their relationship had turned into. They came to us to explore their options. As we watched behind the mirror, our colleagues listened to the wife continuously put her husband down, saying how weak he was and how little respect she had for him as a husband and as a man. Team members, including marriage counselors and family therapists, commented on how important it was for us to empower this man by pointing out all his positive characteristics, and telling him everything he brought to this marriage. And although the therapist in the room asked multiple questions to provoke some of this empowerment, the message continued to fall flat.

As the session was coming to a close, both the husband and wife looked defeated. They had worked for over ten hours to come to a resolution, and they were feeling just as stuck as when they came in the day before. They seemed far from a save-marriage strategy. Some of the team members behind the mirror voiced how important it was for us to make sure to leave the couple in a good place before they went home for the night. One said, “How can you let them get into a car together with all that tension between them?” After the session ended, we explained to the therapists behind the mirror how important it was for the couple to get relief from within themselves, and how us attempting to do this for them would interrupt their process. It would not be enough for us to offer our professional marriage help. Both members of the couple had to find their own ways into useful help.

The next day the couple came in at a noticeably different place, especially the husband. He began the session by declaring what a good man he was, and how lucky she was to be married to him. He talked about how low he felt when they were leaving the night before, and he refused to ever feel that way again in this or any other relationship in his life. Not only had he found his strength and empowerment, but he could own it because it came from him. It took him leaving in that defeated place for him to claim what we wanted him to have.

As much as it might be counter-intuitive to the therapeutic process, making sure couples leave in a “happy place” is not our agenda, not our job. In fact, if we, as therapists, did not embrace this very uncomfortable place that couples get to, we would deprive them of what is possible in their experience with us at The Brink. The Brink is a place for growth and transformation that occurs once we are able to accept the discomfort and pain that comes with making most major life transitions.

- Paul Maione, Ph.D., and Melissa Bridges, M.S., family therapists

www.couplesonthebrink.com

Couples counseling has to fit the clients. The partners we see at Couples on The Brink are typically desperate for marriage help, so they need us to offer approaches that satisfy their needs. They’re on the verge of divorce and they need clarity and resolution as soon as possible.

Our clients are exceptions to more familiar patrons of couples therapy. They have pressing needs that require intensive work and prolonged attention. Often they express the need to save marriage, family, and the home life they know. These are the only kind of clients we see. And when we’re done, we return them to the therapists who referred them to us.

When our sessions begin, one person’s talk is usually oriented toward ending the relationship. The other person’s talk is usually oriented toward working things out. The dance of in-and-out is often arbitrary, which means that one of the biggest mistakes therapists can make is paying attention only to this content level of conversation. It is not uncommon in the work that we do for couples to take turns upholding the leaving or staying-together position.

Both partners want change. They often have different ideas about what positive change actually means. Some people have lost hope in their current relationship for the kind of changes they are looking for. Sometimes both feel that way. And still, something keeps them hanging on to hope that marriage counseling will ensure that they won’t get divorced. These are our clients.

Most couples we see at Couples on The Brink have been two or more therapists. Often, this has created improvements but not fundamental change in their current critical need. We hear from them that previous therapists have suggested everything from getting divorced to staying married at all costs. How unfortunate that, in their desperation, they can receive any kind of generic advice when they are obviously asking for much more. What does it say about our field when our clients sometimes have more faith in their relationships than we do?

At The Brink, the decision to stay together or get divorced is too important—too much a life marker—to be steered by the input a therapist can gather once a week for an hour. What helps people clear the debris from a 10, 20, or 30 year relationship? It might take a sustained state of attention that moves them past what they think about their issues and into a view with a wider horizon. It could take working through what they think they came to therapy to say, and continue on into what they could say instead.

At The Brink, it’s important for partners to move beyond addressing issues that seem pressing at the time but prove manageable, even trivial, in the long run. In our experience, when couples begin to see past problems and rediscover what brought them together, they benefit from going even farther with minimal interruptions. They can turn the momentum of years of struggle and instead begin a journey into the renewal of possibilities.

These clients deserve the time and attention they need to answer their specific challenges. They don’t need this intensive, prolonged focus for most issues. But when they need it, they deserve our support.

- Paul Maione, Ph.D., LMFT, and Melissa Bridges, M.S., family therapists

www.couplesonthebrink.com

We at Couples on the Brink began to define our couples counseling practice by questioning assumptions about the best way to work with partners on the verge of splitting up. We found that we needed a more intensive treatment model for couples who find themselves at The Brink. Rethinking our strategies started us on a journey into new and exciting therapeutic discoveries—and more comprehensive, efficient results for our clients.

One of the most often unstated, and therefore rarely challenged, assumptions in the couples therapy field is the 50-minute therapeutic hour. If couples have ordinary communication issues or relatively simple problem-solving challenges, we therapists typically see them for an hour once a week. A relatively happily-married couple, for example, may experience the situational stress of a job loss, raising adolescents, or caring for aging parents. If they work with a couples therapist because they don’t see eye-to-eye on some issues, therapy once a week for an hour is usually the one choice they’re given. And that should work fine.

For another relatively happily married couple, the wife goes back to work after many years of staying home to raise the children. They’re having some difficulties negotiating their new roles inside and outside the house. Again, their therapist will likely recommend sessions once a week for an hour until the problems are resolved.

Now let’s look at a couple who have been married for 15 years and in conflict for 12 of them. They are distant, antagonistic, frustrated, and hopeless. They have intense conflict around even simple issues. They have almost no intimate or sexual life. Neither likes who they have become in this relationship. Neither is getting their needs met. When asked, they say they have stayed together for a variety of reasons, including raising their two children who are now teenagers. At some point, one of them decides enough is enough. Maybe the idea of therapy has been discussed over the years but they could never get it together to go for marriage help. When she wanted to go, he refused. When it was his idea, she put it off. This couple is hanging on by a thread, and when they finally call a couples therapist, they’re offered, not surprisingly, once a week for an hour.

At Couples on The Brink, these two people are at our starting point.

We recognize the couples we see as distinct from the general population of clients in couples therapy. They need intensive, concentrated work beyond their comfort zones. They need what works for them, which our experience is an intensive, sustained-focus modality.

In the medical model, you might spend 15 minutes with your general doctor if you’ve got a cold or flu. But if you had cancer or another more serious condition, you would expect more time than that with your health care practitioner. Nowhere else in the helping fields do we prescribe the same exact treatment structure for all clients. Why should we do so in couples therapy for partners at the save-marriage point?

Some therapists have expanded the boundaries of marriage counseling a bit. Some do back-to-back sessions, some offer more than one hourly session per week. This is a step in the right direction but not nearly enough to make a difference in the lives of couples who are hanging on by a thread.

Keep coming back here, to View from the Brink, and we’ll discuss more what we can do for these clients.

- Paul Maione, Ph.D., and Melissa Bridges, M.S., family therapists

www.couplesonthebrink.com

Hello,

As your colleagues in couples counseling, we’d like to share what we do with clients at Couples on the Brink. Our therapeutic model is innovative, effective, and easy to describe. And we would like to offer it to help you with your stuck couples –at no cost or risk to you.

Our mission is to help couples move through the stuck place they often find themselves at when they reach The Brink. We accomplish this in couples sessions of four hours or more. Our intensive model—which is strength-based and systemic—is highly successful. We treat The Brink as a point of opportunity, where couples can see clearly not only their issues but also everything that’s precious to them.

When clients reach the core issues that can save their marriage, we keep the session going and let them get on with the needed work. Clients at Couples on the Brink choose from a small selection of intensive programs. Each format offers practical strategies to resolve crucial issues and renew the foundations of the marriage. Our male/female co-therapy teams add depth and variety to the insights and interventions that give our clients hope, the feeling that they have a save-marriage strategy that will work for them.

Our model works specifically for couples on the verge of divorce. And after we accomplish our therapeutic goals with them, we don’t continue their conventional therapy afterward. We send our clients back to the therapists who referred them to us. This is why we invite you to refer your stuck marital cases to us. We help them only with their immediate needs at this critical juncture in their need for marriage help. Then they return to you for the ongoing care we don’t provide.

We are highly collaborative with our marriage counseling referral sources in the therapy community. We intend to be a resource to you. We can discuss our work in detail with you, and at times we invite colleagues to observe our work through the one-way mirror that our consulting team uses.

These posts will be dedicated to rethinking traditional assumptions about working with couples at risk of divorce. Here we’ll share our views of familiar working methods, and we invite you to join this conversation. We hope you enjoy this online discussion about intensive approaches to working with couples at The Brink.

Paul Maione, Ph.D., and Melissa Bridges, M.S.

Co-Directors, Couples on the Brink

www.couplesonthebrink.com