A team of therapists joined us behind our one-way mirror while we worked with a couple who had been struggling for some time in a stagnant and unhappy marriage. This observation took place during the last two hours on the second day of a 3-Day Intensive of couples counseling.
Like most relationships we see, this couple was extremely unhappy about what their relationship had turned into. They came to us to explore their options. As we watched behind the mirror, our colleagues listened to the wife continuously put her husband down, saying how weak he was and how little respect she had for him as a husband and as a man. Team members, including marriage counselors and family therapists, commented on how important it was for us to empower this man by pointing out all his positive characteristics, and telling him everything he brought to this marriage. And although the therapist in the room asked multiple questions to provoke some of this empowerment, the message continued to fall flat.
As the session was coming to a close, both the husband and wife looked defeated. They had worked for over ten hours to come to a resolution, and they were feeling just as stuck as when they came in the day before. They seemed far from a save-marriage strategy. Some of the team members behind the mirror voiced how important it was for us to make sure to leave the couple in a good place before they went home for the night. One said, “How can you let them get into a car together with all that tension between them?” After the session ended, we explained to the therapists behind the mirror how important it was for the couple to get relief from within themselves, and how us attempting to do this for them would interrupt their process. It would not be enough for us to offer our professional marriage help. Both members of the couple had to find their own ways into useful help.
The next day the couple came in at a noticeably different place, especially the husband. He began the session by declaring what a good man he was, and how lucky she was to be married to him. He talked about how low he felt when they were leaving the night before, and he refused to ever feel that way again in this or any other relationship in his life. Not only had he found his strength and empowerment, but he could own it because it came from him. It took him leaving in that defeated place for him to claim what we wanted him to have.
As much as it might be counter-intuitive to the therapeutic process, making sure couples leave in a “happy place” is not our agenda, not our job. In fact, if we, as therapists, did not embrace this very uncomfortable place that couples get to, we would deprive them of what is possible in their experience with us at The Brink. The Brink is a place for growth and transformation that occurs once we are able to accept the discomfort and pain that comes with making most major life transitions.
- Paul Maione, Ph.D., and Melissa Bridges, M.S., family therapists
August 11th, 2008 - 12:10 pm
After reading this blog, I must state how important it is to be aware that it is not our job to leave our clients in a good place. However, we are responsible to bringing to light these uncomfortable topics. By not embracing this uncomfortable place, we would deprive them of what is possible in their experience with us.
When I began my career as a Marriage and Family Therapist, I felt my job was to help clients resolve their issues. However after working with many different clients and populations, I have learned that we must allow our clients to lead as we follow. We can not solve their issues rather we work with them to help them come to resolutions on their own. It is also important to note that we as therapists can not work harder than our clients.
With this being said, by leaving the session in a not so good place this allows the client to resonate on the topics discussed and allow them to form his/her own conclusions and resolutions.